Contents
The One That Got Away
some brief thoughts on synchronicity, symbolism, and the holographic nature of reality
[note: names, dates and other identifying comments have been omitted out of respect for those who were involved in these experiences]
"Wednesday XX-2
I was feeling depressed again today and cried briefly this morning before work. At lunchtime I thought about K again, and how I am helpless to help her, if she doesn't want it. I realise that it is not my place to interfere. I am of course sad that she chooses her current way of life, but that is partly an unwillingness on my part to "let go" and accept that I can't force my views and ideals on the world, and accept that I am not in control - I can only try to gain as much control as possible over myself. I also realised that on K's part she is afraid of a new way of life, one she doesn't understand, as her present way of life is her "comfort zone".
This evening I found a young (baby) bird out under the trees by the road. It was still flightless but didn't want me to pick it up. It struggled, and I let it get away. It hopped into some vines and bushes where I couldn't get it again. Other birds of its kind (blackbirds I think) squawked in consternation. Later when I looked outside I saw a cat prowling and hopefully (!?!) chased it away before it got the young bird.
Thinking about this it is a variation on the theme with K and me. The bird was frightened of me, and chose to run. I was powerless to help it, and it will almost likely die. Such is nature. This calms me a little, making me realise more than ever that I can only be concerned for sorting out my own situation, and if someone else doesn't want to work with me, then that is their choice, and I mustn't allow myself to be emotionally attached to them."
The above journal entry briefly recounts an experience I had which seemed to me to be both highly symbolic, and synchronistic. I had been through a brief but intense relationship with a girl, K, which I have no doubt was part of a magical process I was working, termed the Inner Mate process, which I will write at length about at a later date. I found that I had become very emotionally attached to K, more so than I had initially believed. It was a big learning experience of what happens if I take on other people's "stuff". However, at the time of writing this I realise that I have still to learn a few things about taking on other people's "stuff", after recent experiences with X, who I am also quite certain was attracted into my life as part of the Inner Mate process.
The event described in the journal entry struck me as being highly symbolic of what was going on for me regarding K. A part of me, which I would now recognise as being a sub-personality, wanted to "help" K, in a protective type of way, showing her a better way of life (my opinion, and beliefs). It was in a similar vein that I wanted to help the baby bird, and "save" it from the dangers it faced on its own. The bird struggled, undoubtedly afraid of me, relying on its own instincts to survive - or not. I recall having the bird in my hands, and realising that if I continued to hold onto the bird that I myself might injure it as it struggled to get free. This mirrors the situation of co-dependence, where if someone is in the role of rescuer they are in fact "injuring" the other person, by not letting them experience and grow.
This was something that was very difficult for me to accept. After things had ended between K and I, I had "known" (that is, intuitively sensed) that she something bad was going to happen to her. This "knowledge" had me rather confused, part of me not wanting to believe that I could know this, while another part of me worried that I would cause it to become a reality by thinking and worrying about it. As things had transpired, K had indeed rung me several weeks before the above-described event, and told me that something bad had happened. I must however note that I do not know the full story of what happened on that night, and unfortunately I cannot totally believe everything that K told me. In the incident with the baby bird, it was the cat that was the predator.
The event with the baby bird was very timely in nature (synchronistic), given what happened earlier in the day, my thoughts at lunchtime about K and how I was helpless to help her. The overall situation with the baby bird I thought was very symbolic of what I was going through internally and struggling to come to terms with. Seeing it played out once again, with me as the main actor, in the role of the rescuer, brought about a new awareness of how it is not my role to interfere in other people's lives. I also believe it shows the holographic nature of reality, the "as above, so below" concept, where what is going on internally is mirrored externally. I say holographically because I believe that the core concept is mirrored multiple times in varying ways and forms throughout my life. In this example, there was the actual event of something bad happening to K, the internal process I was going through (as part of the Inner Mate process, and the anima/animus interaction), and the event with the baby bird. If I was to look closer at everything that was going on in my life around me at the time, I would probably notice more variations on the theme (as time allows, I may indeed reread more carefully over my journal around the time, and perhaps also give myself some sessions to regress back and find out what was going on around me at the time which was similar).
More recently I had a similar pattern of events.
"Monday XX-0
Dream: I am driving X's car. It is a cream-coloured station wagon, and NN is with us. I find it hard to control, and turn around to go back up the hill (gravel road) and find it hard to get power. Suddenly I see two cream-coloured wolves ahead of us, one to the left, one to the right - then I see six or more of them, I awoke and the words "the prowlers are out tonight" were in my head. I was tempted to phone X to make sure nothing was wrong, hoping it wasn't some weird premonition dream. I decided against it, although my thoughts were that I would be devastated if something happened to her, which I may have been able to prevent. However, I now think that if something did happen it is X's issue(s) which her life path has for her, and my role is only have someone I know experience whatever (as with K)."
One week later, when I was getting up early for work I logged onto the Internet and X was online. She told me something had transpired the night before, which had seriously upset her.
Again there was the premonition that something bad would happen to the person who I viewed was in the role of Inner Mate (again I will write more on the Inner Mate process as time allows - however I am certain that X was filling this role at the time). I did find it quite difficult to accept that it is not my business, nor my concern, what X experiences with other people. Nor is it my job to interfere in anyway. The event however set me off in crisis, all sorts of issues coming up for me, my experiences with K and what I had learnt about her and what she had experienced in her life, H who had told me of being raped by her ex-boyfriend, and also JB who had been attacked. I was filled with sadness over these events, and how much it has negatively affected the lives of these women. Then there is the guilt and shame at the part of me which desires "power over" others. I then grow sad at the state of humanity, and the fact that we as humans will be abusive to one another, especially with violence and rape.
As of writing this I still haven't analysed the symbolism in the dream, or the symbolism in X's experience. As X had been in the role of Inner Mate, I am sure the events are rather significant and points at the state of my anima, although I also know that by this stage in time it was an end phase with X, hence a lot of disruption and turbulence, which I have always experienced when things are ending with an Inner Mate. It still makes sense, that although serious changes had taken place in my psyche a couple of weeks ago, a lot more is still needed to finish of the process which is started, and which will be commented on in my writings on the Inner Mate process.
When similar patterns are happening for me, I know that means I have still not learnt what I needed to learn from these experiences. I am certain, after the experience with X, the big thing is personal boundaries, and not getting caught up emotionally in other people's stuff. However this recent experience gave me plenty of time to reflect on how it is not my issue, and that is part of X's life path, as stated in my journal entry after my dream about the wolves. It also, once again, highlights for me the need to deal with my anger, as one of my reactions was to want to smash those who had been involved.
All of life is learning experience, and through what I know, the practices and techniques, the best I can hope to do this turn these experiences into wisdom.
Back to Esoteric Articles - Magical Path
contact: email Magical
Path -